I hope, better days will come.

 "Unstable emotions mean that your moods can be extreme and change very quickly."

I was jokingly told my friend that I am currently mentally unstable. I think, my toxic trait is I often make jokes about my situation as a coping mechanism. I know; I was the one being playful, always laughed and looked bright.

I cannot blame people when they think I am ok when I am not.

I don't want to complain that I have a hard time bcs I know others have it worse than me. My feeling, emotion, wellbeing is all I struggle for. While others, faced different challenges and problems in life, I feel bad to complain. I know I shouldn't compare my situation to others, but still, I feel that I shouldn't complain, I know my feeling is valid but what can I do? I don't want to makes the others; my friends and family worried about me. So I develop another coping mechanism; avoidance. Which I think is quite toxic bcs I will ignore everyone, including the ones who are important to me and those who were working with me.

Today I'm healing and all ok. Tomorrow I might be having a mental breakdown without reason. I've been struggling for it quite sometimes, but managed to handle it well, for now. Anxiety attack become normal to me. It actually makes me afraid and worried. Should I take medicine again? 

It makes me sad when I can't be vulnerable and open up to people bcs it's so hard for me to do that. I wonder if there is someone that I can be honest about my true self. A person will comfort my chaotic emotion. To be honest, I want to talk about it so bad :( 

I know, I have few people I can trust and being honest, but as I said, I tend to make jokes and not show any raw emotion. I'm tired of it so I'm not open up anymore bcs I don't know to open up seriously without making fun of myself.

I remember when a friend ask me; 

"What is your goal in life?"

 "I just want to be happy"

"Oh, that's not a goal"

"Why not? My goal in life is to be happy despite of anything that I do in life"