I am grateful, but..

 I feel I don’t deserve to be happy or enjoy life.

Maybe bcs I haven’t forgiven myself for the things I do in the past. I did a lot of bad things, I make wrong judgment and wrong decision. I wish I know better and I wish I had someone to guide me. I am, currently,  trying to punish myself by expecting bad things to happen. This is a vicious cycle.

Sometimes when something good happen to me and a feeling of guilt will come and remind me;

‘’I didn’t do anything to deserve this’’.

"I am not worthy to be this happy."

"or to be this lucky."

I love myself and everyone around me. I am so thankful to those who really care about me. 

Anxiety has become normal, I learn to live, adapt, go on with life living with anxiety everyday. So it can be disturbing and strange to be genuinely happy for even short periods of time. I feel like, I can’t allow myself to relish or build on these happy moments because I’ll feel guilty and scared instead.

It’s so confusing. How I see myself and how I show myself to others.

I want to talk about my anxiety, so bad, until I only can cry in silent bcs I find it’s so difficult to open up and share my emotion. 

There’s a lot of things I want to say but left unsaid. 

My emotional scars distorted how I view myself causing me to live with self-blame, with a fear of replicating these wounds, with a view of a world forever unsafe, clouding any feelings of happiness.

The other day, someone said to me;

"I’m happy to see you happier now",

So people think I’m happy? Do I look happy?

and it makes me so sad, bcs I just trying very hard to adapt, and I did it very well. I am currently, deceiving everyone around me. 

Its so mess up.

I wan’t to disaapear.